What does your beard say about you?

In Shakespeare’s time, calling someone a “lackbeard” was one of the most emasculating insults you could throw at a chap. Only in recent years have luxurious beards truly come back into mainstream fashion, and now the manliness previously reserved for lumberjacks and castaways is enjoyed by everyone from your barista to your CEO.

Now that it’s more than just OK to have a beard, you’re faced with a potentially life-altering choice: which beard are you going to grow? Is your choice dictated by the pattern of where you can and cannot grow facial hair? Do you have the time to let it truly grow in? These are all vital questions to ask your local beardologist. One thing they won’t tell you, however, is what your beard says about you. Let’s look at a few of the more popular choices:


1. The Bandholz

The Bandholz is named after the man often credited with the growth in popularity of modern bearding. How much manlier can you get, to have a beard named after you? The Bandholz is also referred to as “the urban beardsman”, and must be worn with a carefully maintained haircut.

What it says about you:

• You’re a MAN
• You’ve got a 1:1 testosterone to blood ratio, and you can provide a comfy home to small nesting birds


2. The Ducktail

The Ducktail extends some distance below the chin, but soon tapers to a central point, offering more of a groomed look than the longer Bandholz.

What it says about you:

• You can not only grow a beard, but you’re a meticulous sort
• You’re on your way to Bandholz country
• You got tired of your Bandholz dipping into your ice cream


3. The van Dyke

The Van Dyke is a huge departure from the previous two full beards. The van Dyke is a moustache paired with a separate, unconnected beard only on the chin, which usually comes to a point. It has nothing to do with beloved song and dance man Dick van Dyke.

What it says about you:

• You’re not too worried about what people think of you
• You can’t grow hair in that pernickety area that joins your moustache to your beard
• You’re playing the devil in a community theatre somewhere


4. Stubble

Stubble of any length can be as strong a choice as a full beard, as long as it is well maintained and groomed. Stubble lets the world know you can grow a beard if you want to, but maybe you’re just too busy.

What it says about you:

• You forgot your razor
• You’re on Miami Vice
• You’re a rakish, devil-may-care scoundrel.

5. Clean shaven

This one had to be mentioned, because we must make it clear that not having any beard at all doesn’t make you any less of a man. It just might make you LOOK like less of a man… but we don’t all have the luxury of being allowed to grow out a soft, luxurious facemane.

What it says about you:

• Your office has a strict grooming policy
• You are eleven
• You love your new razor

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